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You would probably annoy me

July 31, 2008

So yeah.  It’s time to call some of you jerks out.  I am really getting sick and tired of the crap I read in blogs, public forums, gaming sites, etc.  When did the world get so stupid?  Or has it always been stupid, but now, thanks to the Internet, I’m blessed with seeing the stupidity paraded before me at the speed of light (or copper, as the case may be)?

What am I talking about?  I’m talking about all the “cool” expressions, words, misspellings, etc., that everyone uses in their day-to-day communications.  When did bad typing skills become cool?  Is every person on the Internet so lazy that they feel the need to use abbreviations for every single phrase they choose to write?

Well, I’m sick of it.  Here’s my list of the 12 biggest annoyances that I come across on a daily basis.  These are not listed in any kind of ranked order.  I simply wrote them down as I came across them.  Also, this list is not all inclusive.  I have left quite a few other annoyances off of there so as to save some space.  Read on, and please, learn from this.  As the great Brad Hamilton once said, “Learn it.  Know it.  Live it.”

1.  Zeitgeist – This is used mostly by pompous a-hole “news” journalists who want to sound like they know what the fuck they’re talking about.  This should never be used.  Ever.  Even if you’re wearing a turtleneck, eating cheese and drinking French wines at a gallery opening.  Don’t use it.

2.  meme – Another journalist favorite.  The fact that this term originated with Richard Dawkins, an incredibly arrogant, self-promoting jackass, just makes me hate the word that much more.

3.  pwnage (pwnt) – This one really bugs me.  This is a common word used by 11-year olds who play too much Halo.  When they beat someone, they say stupid shit like, “OOOH, PWNT!”  It’s a misspelling of “ownage” or “owned”, and it’s retarded.  It’s bad enough some snot-shit cornholed me from across the map, but now I have to suffer through his attempt at first-grade spelling?  Fucker!

4.  interwebs (intarwebs) – This is one of those words that has propagated as people try to sound like brain-dead spider monkeys.  “I surfed the interwebs for days and couldn’t find it!”  “It’s all over the intarwebs!”  “I’m retarded on the intarwebs!”  Yes.  Yes you are.

5.  “All your base are belong to us” – Oh, hold on to your laughter hats!  You’ve never heard this one before!  It’s used by every third-grade dipshit who has access to a keyboard, but it’s still so damn funny!  This phrase is from a game called Zero Wing, which suffers from bad English translation, and it’s been around for what seems like an eternity.  You would think it would be funny once, maybe twice, and then die off.  But heaven help me, those little sperm-wads keep posting this stupid phrase in forums all the damn time.

6.  “Will it blend” – “Will it blend?” is a marketing phrase used by Blendtec to market their powerful line of blenders.  The guy gets up in front of the camera in a lab coat, throws something into his blender (an iPhone, marbles, etc.) and turns the fucker on.  Obviously, the blender is super powerful and liquefies whatever is placed inside.  It’s a stupid phrase that every jackass on Digg has to say at least once in the comments whenever they see a review of any product.  “Chevy Volt?  I only have one question:  will it blend?  AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  I’m a fucking riot!”  No, you’re not.  It’s not even that great of an ad campaign by the original company.  I mean, I’ve seen all the videos and I still had to look up the name of the company…

7.  Any type of sms texting abbreviations (lol, ftw, omg, omfg, iirc, imho) – I was going to list alot of these individually, but there were so many of them, I had to just lump them all together.  Let me just start off by saying this:  FUCK YOU!  DON’T USE THESE FUCKING ABBREVIATIONS WHEN YOU HAVE ACCESS TO A FULL KEYBOARD, YOU RAT-SHIT CRAP-FOR-BRAINS!  If you are, in fact, sending a text message from a phone that only has a keypad, then by all means, abbreviate your heart out.  Text messages only accommodate so many letters and typing on a keypad sucks giant dick.  But when you’re sitting in front of a full-size QWERTY keyboard, and you’re punching in some comments on a forum, use the whole keyboard.  Dim-witted tire-biters, FTW!

8.  Micro$oft (Internet Exploder, et al) – HAHAHAHA!  Oh, god, you people on the Internet (sorry, “intarwebs”) are so funny!  I love it when you spell Microsoft with a dollar sign!  It’s extremely clever of you!  And when you refer to Internet Explorer as “Internet Exploder”?  Stop it!  You’re killing me!  I haven’t seen that done 3 hundred billion times before!

9.  Fanboy – I hate fanboys.  But I hate the term “fanboy” even more than I hate fanboys themselves.  If someone is a fan of something, to the point of extremist proselytizing, they are referred to as a fanboy.  Now, this is most often an insult directed toward Mac evangelists, as in “Apple fanboy!”, but it’s sometimes usurped by Mac fanatics to describe those who won’t buy a Mac (“Bill Gates fanboy!”).  It’s stupid.  It’s boring.  If someone is spouting some shit about a product that they love, don’t resort to using this tired word.  Just call the people what they are:  wastes of oxygen.

10.  teh – I was considering putting this under the SMS texting abbreviations, but since it’s not an abbreviation, but rather a misspelling, and due to the fact that it’s one of the most painful items on this list, it gets its own category.  Teh is a misspelling of “the”, and it’s mostly for dipshitted cyber-bitches who want to sound cool.  Honestly, when did misspelling a word become cool?  Was it Woodstock?  Are the hippies to blame for this, with all their free love?  I’d like to think that, but I’m guessing this is more a product of the rap world, where so-called “artists” give themselves stupid names that include “murda” or “masta” or whatever other retarded misspelling they can think of.

11.  fail (epic fail) – Some of you will call this article a “fail”.  You know what?  I don’t care!  Anyone who uses the term “fail” to describe something that has failed, is a failure themselves.  See?  See what I did there?  I used fail and it’s various forms in their correct contexts!  It’s fun to use the English language correctly.  Give it a shot.

12.  noob – This belongs with “fanboy” as a major annoyance.  Noob is a derogatory term used to describe someone who is new at something and is stumbling through the learning process.  For instance, if you just start playing a new game, and you happen to blow up everyone on your own team, you’re called a “fuckin’ noob”.  There are variations, such as “newb” or “noobie” or “newbie”, but they all come from the same place:  your ass.  Cut the new people a break.  Guess what?  You didn’t know how to throw a grenade into the second story window when you first started either!  You didn’t understand how to switch from your gun to your flashlight during your first game!  So cut the people some slack and stop being a fucking vinegar-filled bag of douche.

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