Juno sucked

April 17, 2008

I really like movies. I’ve seen thousands of movies in my lifetime. I own hundreds of DVDs and I have the full 8-dvds-at-a-time Netflix subscription. I read about movies. I study movies. I really really like movies.

So I get really pissed off when something as shitty as Juno comes along and Hollywood shits themselves over how great it is. Juno is a horribly pretentious, unrealistic load of crap. It bothers me to see Jason Bateman and Michael Cera in it, since I loved both of those guys in Arrested Development.

First off, I’ll address the “pretentious” comment. Everything about this movie is pretentious, from the “witty” repartee, to the jangly music. Juno is a 16 year old high school girl who has the lightning-quick witted comebacks of Hawkeye Pierce and the education of a professor of literature. 16 year olds like that are a dime a dozen… The dialogue is littered with the remnants of a half-assed college education. Juno references the Old Testament story of Moses being placed in a basket and sent down the river as a baby while she’s discussing a closed adoption. She says she named her guitar after Franklin Roosevelt, “the hot one with the polio”. When Bateman says he’s a composer, Juno instantly thinks he’s like Johannes Brahms. She has an argument over who the better horror director was, Herschel Gordon Lewis or Dario Argento. These are just the tip of the iceberg on this pretentious dialogue. Sitting through the movie, I pictured the screenwriter as a 20-something psuedo-intellectual sitting in a local “fair trade” coffee shop wearing “ironic” clothing, having a horribly irritating conversation about politics, peppering their diatribe with misinterpreted and inappropriate quotes from DeToqueville’s Democracy In America.

Now, second of all, this movie was unrealistic. Partly due to the over-her-age-level dialogue, but also due to the fact that no one in the movie reacts like normal people would react to these situations. A 16 year old girl finds out she’s pregnant. She calmly calls an abortion clinic, but then chickens out of the operation and figures she’ll just have the baby and put it up for adoption. This whole decision making process takes 5 minutes in the movie. Never once do we really see any fear in the character. Then she tells her father and step-mother. Her father’s reaction? He cracks a joke that he didn’t think the boy who knocked up his daughter had it in him, which everyone else laughs at. Then he makes a snide remark that the next time he sees the boy, he’s going to punch him “in the weiner”. I’m sorry, but I’ve never known a father who would crack jokes when his baby girl who’s a junior in high school tells him she’s pregnant.

There were a few genuinely funny lines in the movie. The acting was mediocre. Michael Cera played Michael Cera and Jason Bateman played Jason Bateman. Seriously, they played their parts exactly as if they were filming another episode of Arrested Development. I half expected GOB to come sliding in on his Segway (“They’re illusions, Michael.”). Jennifer Garner seemed to be the only one in the whole movie who took her job halfway seriously, playing a truly believable woman who desperately wants to be a mother. Cinematography, editing, directing, etc., were all pretty standard. Nothing outstanding.

The fact that Diablo Cody has basically swept every “Best Screenplay” or “Best Screenwriter” award, including the Oscar, for this sub-standard script amazes me. With every passing year, it’s obvious that Hollywood is getting more and more out of touch with it’s audience. People who spend all their time in La-La Land must really think teenagers talk and act just like fictional Juno. Hollywood needs to stick to the stupid, CGI summer blockbusters that have no substance and leave the independent “feel good” movies to the people who know how to do them right. I’m sick of the psuedo-independent Hollywood movies. Little Miss Sunshine, Garden State, Akeelah And The Bee, etc. It’s sad that these are the “independent” movies that the majority of America is exposed to.

So, in conclusion, Juno sucked.



  1. I agree!

  2. Agree with the review, the dialogue rolling off the tongues of the characters, ouch! It’s a movie that seems to be trying Very Hard to let you know it’s an indie movie, from the look to the movie, seems over kill. And the thing that bothered me the most, EVERY person on the screen is a character with witty dialogue. I could go on, but….

  3. i assumed Juno was directed by the same guy that directed Knocked Up, because it’s about unexpected pregnancy and Michael Cera stars as Juno’s boyfriend (he was in Superbad, a close relative of Knocked Up).

  4. I am glad I’m not the only one that has noticed Michael Cera plays the stupid stammered comment character in every movie. There’s no difference in any way between this character and any of the other identical roles he plays.

  5. you…are awesome.

    I got half way into the film, got up, and walked away. one of the worst films i’ve seen by far.

  6. haha right on man

  7. Yes, Juno was a load of crap.

  8. omigod! what a shittttty movie man. what the hell did hollywood see in this movie? soo friggin pretentious. the acting was bizarre. it’s like if something makes no sense it should get an oscar. ellen page (juno) was nominated? she sucks as an actress. the funny thing is my brother likes it…retard!

  9. Thankfully I wasn’t the first person who thought this movie was a waste of time.

  10. Thank you–I was hoping I was not the only one who thought: Pretentious, unreal, basically Bullshit! In reality I think that a girl who is bright enough for the dialogue written for her would be from a family who insists she keeps the baby…the psychology, social standing, etc. just didn’t jive. Then at the end they are stil good friends and kiss after they sing a song? Cheese to my macaroni…VOMIT BS!

  11. Could only stomach about 30 minutes of it. Terrible, nuff said.

  12. I figured that Juno was going to be a really good movie from all the comments I heard from peers. It wasn’t until I actually watched the movie that I realized it was a piece of shit. The dialogue between teenage characters came off as a serious attempt at mimicking 16-year old’s language, and failed horribly. When a 19 year old like myself watches this movie, they don’t think “Wow, I can totally relate to this”. Instead, they think “What the fuck is this! Do adults seriously think we act like this?” At least that’s what I was thinking. The story line was uncreative, unrealistic, and unenjoyable. And the movie way WAY too fucking predictable. When the husband leaves the wife I didn’t even fucking care anymore. “Good, you guys can all fucking die”, I thought, because I was looking forward to a quick end to the movie. I think the characters of Juno and her friends should be the stars in the next Hostel movie. I want to see their fucking heads chopped off for wasting my god damn time watching a stupid-fucking-piece-of-shit-cocksucking-assfucking horrible excuse for a movie.

  13. There are no true words to describe on what level that sucked you would have to build all new levels of sucktutude just to even remotly get a glimps of how much the whitty stappy remarked knocked up teenager sucked Ahhhhhhhh!!!!…

  14. just watched the last hour of this second rate movie. not appalling but contrived, twee and mediocre and the last scene with them playing guitars is the most painful scene in movie history. michael cera has a face you want to punch, a 6 year old voice and is a wooden actor.

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